Before our first dinner date, I self-consciously debated whether or not to tell my husband (Todd) the cause of a faint, occasional squeaking noise I heard. “Would he still want to go out with me if he knows I have an artificial leg?” I thought. “Maybe he would prefer someone whole who doesn’t have any body parts missing.”
I did end up telling Todd that evening that I had an artificial leg that needed a tune up. He replied, “I thought I heard something, but wasn’t sure.” Oops maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned it. :)
Our dating adventure began after sitting next to each other at a church Christmas party. Later Todd invited me to the Gastonia Botanical Gardens for our first date. We were married one year later. When we married in 1996, I had three major health challenges: my bk (below knee) amputation, ME (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis) and POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). By God’s grace and strength, I survived our lovely wedding, photos and reception standing on my feet, but it was very draining. Maybe I should have ridden down the aisle in a wheelchair like Joni Eareckson Tada, but thankfully I was able to walk.
When taking marriage vows, couples tend to have a very idealistic view of marriage and so did we. The honeymoon, our wedding night and “happily ever after” dominates our thinking. We haven’t thought much about the future and exactly what vowing to take our spouse “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” means.
If you’re like most couples, you breezed through the “in sickness and in health” clause of your marriage vows without much thought. You were probably too busy gazing into your spouse’s eyes, beaming from the thought of marrying your soul mate and eagerly anticipating your wedding night.
Had you given it some thought, you might have pictured “in sickness and in health” as serving your wife chicken noodle soup when she has the flu or running to the store at 10 p.m. for another box of Kleenex and Sudafed for your husband’s “monster” cold. Aside from the token mention of, “Yes, honey, I’d still love you and take care of you if you were in a car accident,” calamity was probably the furthest thing from your mind.
https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/in-sickness-and-in-health-tips-for-coping-with-a-diagnosis/ by Erin Prater
Now, almost 30 years later, my chronic illness is still ongoing. I’m better than I was thankfully, but not completely healed.
We’ve come to realize that God isn’t as concerned about our health and happiness as our holiness. God’s priority is chiseling Todd and I more into the image of Christ, individually and as a couple. He wants to produce character and the Fruits of the Spirit in us so that others might see Jesus in us (Gal. 5:22-23, Rom. 8:29).
Disability is not a welcome part of our marriage and yet we’ve unexpectedly discovered pearls along the way in the desert of chronic illness. My ongoing chronic illness has both negatively and positively affected our marriage:
How chronic illness negatively affects our marriage
To be honest, chronic illness is very hard on our marriage. It makes everything we do or want to do harder or impossible.
My severe limitations are a heavy burden to bear daily and make scheduling anything difficult, but we have learned to deal with, and plan around, my limitations.
One of the hardest parts is that Todd can participate in life much more than me. That means I’m stuck at home about 80% of the time while he’s going to church, grocery shopping, hiking or doing other activities. How can a marriage work when we can’t do life together?
My ability to do laundry, cooking and cleaning is still very limited.
ME affects my mood, but I try very hard to be joyful and content.
Most people don’t “get” my illness because I look normal.
Our families don’t really understand ME and how it affects every aspect of our lives. Sometimes they place unrealistic visiting expectations on me that I’m not able to fulfill.
My visits are limited with others because they take more energy and I have limitations on how long and how often I can talk on the phone. Scheduling phone chats with friends occasionally has worked out very well.
My weekly outings are usually limited to twice a week and this causes isolation.
How Chronic Illness Has Positively Affected our Marriage
My illness causes us to lean hard on each other because of my severe limitations and, in my opinion, this has strengthened our marriage.
Sickness humbles me and forces me to accept help from Todd even though I’d rather do things for myself. I much prefer independence over being dependent on others. Todd is humbled by the fact that this may be a lifetime illness and he can’t do anything to help me get better except pray for me.
Illness show us our many sins of pride, impatience, complaining, selfishness, to name a few. I told Todd once that “there’s nothing like a chronic illness to bring out all of my sins in all of their glory.” That’s so true! We are both very aware of our sinfulness and the need to confess our sins daily, ask God to forgive us and change us more into Christ’s image (I John 1:9, Romans 8:28-30).
Decades of sickness has taught us endurance, perseverance and to keep going when the going is very hard, depending on Christ for strength and grace (James 1:2-4).
Chronic illness encourages us to pray together more and bring our burdens to the Lord. Jesus completely understands suffering since He became a man and experienced unbelievable suffering on the Cross.
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:15-16, ESV)
Sickness reminds us of the brevity of life and encourages us to think more about eternity (Psalm 90:12).
We’ve had the privilege of witnessing God’s sustaining grace in our marriage through three decades of chronic illness. I agree with Vaneetha Randall Risner when she said in a podcast about suffering:
“We all want delivering grace, but sometimes God’s sustaining grace is best.”
Why God Has Sovereignly Chosen to Allow My Suffering
I’m very grateful God chose Todd to walk alongside me during this very long season of suffering. Sarah Walton’s quote below is key to surviving chronic illness in marriage:
…if we realize that God has sovereignly allowed our suffering, not only for our own growth and good, but for our spouse’s as well, it can help us move toward them with a common goal, rather than away in guilt and self-reliance. In fact, we rob our spouses of the God-given role that they’ve been given when we try to live as though we must carry our suffering on our own. We withhold both the privilege of walking alongside us and the opportunity to grow in greater Christlikeness through this trial.
“Married to Weakness, Loving Our Spouse Through Suffering”
Trusting God For the Unknown Future
We’ve been given a very hard Providence and our marriage isn’t perfect. It’s still very much a work in progress. We don’t know all the reasons why God has placed this heavy burden on us and why He hasn’t removed it. However we continue to trust Him and His perfect plan for our lives trusting that His wisdom and knowledge are perfect (Romans 11:33-36).
In October we’ll celebrate our 29 year Anniversary. We don’t have a clue what the future holds, but we both know the One who holds the future (and the universe) firmly in His Hands. Today we thank Him that His mercies are new every morning and GREAT is His faithfulness to us (Lam. 3:22-23)!